Does a child need two parents to bring it up and be happy?
Is a two parent family preferable to a one parent family?
Should you stay together for the sake of the kids?
In summary; no, no, no.
In detail:
My child is happy, the fact she lives separately from her father makes her sad. The child of a one parent family has sadness in her life, show me the child of any family that doesn’t have sadness in its life.
Would it be preferable for my child to live in a household where her parents were arguing and had fallen out of love and respect for her? To live with sadness and upset every day? No, my child is better with two parents that love her and live separately.
I honestly believe you should never stay together for the sake of the children. It will be at the cost of everyone’s self esteem and sanity. A child will look to place blame for the unhappiness in their household, they might blame themselves or one or other parent, it won’t be until they are older and in their own relationships that they will have the experience and empathy to understand the why’s and wherefores of their parents relationships. Between now and then is a long time, do you want to do lasting damage to those relationships? Do you want to be the bad example of how adults relate to each other - without love or respect? Your children learn from you – show them the example of parents that can be happy apart and treat each other with respect rather than parents that fight and argue their way through life.
There are lots of assumptions about the right way for a family to be and for me to say that I think a family is better when it is two parents than when it is one undermines all the work that I have done in the last few years to give my child happiness and security.
Why should I think that another family is better than mine simply because of the logistics. There is no doubt that a family full of love is a great family no matter how many people are in it. So for the record, yes, I do think lone parent families are just as good as two parent families. Love isn’t measured in the number of people in a family but by how full and happy the heart is.
Hmmmm, I think there’s a case here for judging every situation as you find it. There are some fab one parent families out there, and Its definitely the case that families come in many flavours – I don’t know where I’d be without the extended network of “aunties” that make up the family of my childhood, and wouldnt swap them for any more nuclear set up. I would vigorously defend the sensible decision my primary parent made in going it alone. It’s also fair to say that there are situations where the poison between two people is too toxic for a child to thrive among it, but that can be true when parents split and use their children as ammunition In their war on one another.
I don’t think it’s true to say its always the case that couples who stay together for the sake of consistency for their children are in the wrong. It’s another imperfect solution people find to the great puzzle of getting through the tough patches of parenthood with the least damage to the least number of people.
Exactly L, every situation as you find it, but so often there is a public and private rhetoric that a “family” has two (straight) parents and that somehow or other anything else isn’t correct. I’m just in a ranty place at the moment
Yeah, It’s annoying when people make assumptions about what family life should look like. The next person to ask when I am having a second child may well find themselves presented with a quiz about their fertility and relationships (clearly this is a good day for ranting)
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I am SO glad my parents split up. They both moved onto happy things, and broke it off before things become bad for my brother and I. We had such good childhoods because our parents did what they needed to do.
I think more poignant than the argument that all children need that nuclear family is the idea that children need both female and male influences in their lives. However – I don’t think those influences need to come from having two live-in parents. There are plenty of other people in the world!
This is a great piece. Thank you for saying it.
Thanks Harper,
I’ve been thinking about this some more since I wrote it and while these are my opinions, it is always easier to say than to do.
I’ve friends that stay in compromised relationships because they feel it is the best thing for everyone involved. While I might not agree with their decision, it isn’t mine to make or to criticise but to respect and support.
We can only ever make one decision at a time and so by default it is always the “right” decision.
I hope that even when I don’t agree with a friends decision that I have enough humanity to empathise with it.
the IDEAL i still believe, if the nuclear family. despite my own circumstances and that of my parents before me, I still would far prefer to be raising my children with their father, whilst happily married.
After 5 years – and now happily repartnered, i still feel this way.
On the other hand, raising children in an ultimately destructive environment is not the way it should be either – and it is societal pressure that makes me feel like I am not quite as good as the rest – something I struggle with often as I live in a community where there are few single parents – and in my childrens (and mine) circle of friends, I am the only one.
Do I beleive its ”too easy” to leave a relationship? maybe, maybe not. It’s never easy, and each time I hear someone say ”oh I’d be better on my own it’d be so much easier” I also inwardly seethe – no matter how tough a relationship is (not counting abusive, that’s a whole different game) – co-parenting is still, I beleive, better than single parenting, AND I beleive people were made to be coupled, not singled.