I’m used to doing stuff for myself and by myself, it can be fun, tiring, boring and challenging and many other things besides, but something that is difficult to do for yourself is to keep your sense of sensuality fed.
Or to put it another way – I miss feeling sexy.
For me, feeling sexy requires some kind of feedback from another person. It really isn’t about looking good. I know I can scrub up well and I dress to please myself, I use my clothes to compliment my mood or to blag a boldness I might not feel first thing in the morning. Clothes can help me feel sexy in a moment, but to a large extent that’s external.
To feel sexy in a way that lights me up from the inside is about feeling interesting and interested, to laugh, to discuss, and yes, to touch and explore – well that requires another person. As great company my good friends are via text, Facebook and Twitter they aren’t the same as sharing eye contact with someone. To be able to share an intimacy created when you are creating a memory together.
I’m thinking about this at the moment because I received the most wonderful, complimentary messages from a friend recently. Amazingly, wonderful texts about me and yet there was this strange disconnect; I read the words and they made me blush and smile, yet they didn’t feel like Ruth. They didn’t feel solid in me. Please don’t think I am doing down my friend or the generosity of their words, I’m not. I am humbled by their compliments and kindness and slightly in awe of their ability with words and of the impact I seem to have created. I think what I’m trying to say is that I’d like to FEEL the impact of the words. I’d like to FEEL like the powerful, mercurial, talented and sexy woman that my friend see me as. I’d really, really like to, because it feels great to be her; she’s fun and fearless and is awesome. I like being her.
How do I get to be her more often?